Many say you’re only happy once you find yourself
Iwas told by somebody that I needed to know myself, get in touch with myself and above all, know my real self. So I’ve been in a journey to find myself. I started this journey years ago and during my painful steps there was confusion. I was about to give up but something was telling me to keep going.
Who could my real self be? Is my real self hidden somewhere inside, but who is this “me”? Most of the times I don’t feel like myself so there must be another self. Yes, some other person, some other me who I would obviously like and everyone should obviously like. I wish myself could be that one person who is really not myself but this other self I find appropriate. and I’ve been working really hard to be that other person. Others have succeeded in becoming the self they admire but in my journey there was an unexpected turn of events.
After hard work one finally transforms into the self they admire. The problem begins when that self turns out to be a jerk. “wait I didn’t know this guy was a jerk” but now its too late because the jerk has moved in, and it wasn’t cheap, and he is not leaving. Now you’re stuck with a self that you detest but became yourself. What if all your friends are now friend with the jerk and suddenly you realize your friends are not really your friends, but it gets worse.
The rule number one is that you simply have to be yourself. But can you be yourself if you don’t know who you “really” are? It gets harder when you find out you are alone in this journey and there are no reliable sources and you are left to your own judgment. Only you can find yourself which poses a particular problem since your judgment might be tainted – by a self you can’t really trust. Because we tend to trust others more then we trust ourselves; we have to have a better way to figure this out.
So I said – to hell with all of this. There are many templates to have a better self you just download the one you like and fake it til you make it. So I did. I decided that the altruistic self model template would fit me really well and others will love me so I’ll take that one. I swiped my credit card and downloaded. After years and years of practicing hopefully this model will turn into me. I tried and failed because I wasn’t really being myself and at the end of the day I couldn’t perform like my idol, my artist, my genius.
I sucked miserably at that but it was a good thing as we shall find out. There were many rounds to come. I tried even harder the next time with a different template and the harder I tried the more miserable I became. Soon I could not relax and I was afraid and I became a bore and no one would listen to what I had to say and I really had nothing to say.
I felt strange and everybody looked strange and no one knew my name. I moved somewhere else to get away from myself but everywhere I went I found myself there. I changed my job many times but nothing pleased me. Pretty soon the food tasted bad and there was no joy to be had. So I fought harder to secure my lot but failure followed me everywhere I went.
So I sat at the edge of the world and just sat there with nothing to do. I gave up. I untied my cow and let her sink in the mud. I let go of the steering wheel and got ready for the crash. I didn’t care anymore. I sat at the edge of the cliff and there was a storm with thunder and lightening descending on me and I was naked and I was cold and lonely and scared. To complete my misery some creature bit my foot. I felt the wrath of the gods. After the storm passed I collapsed and slept so hard I could have been dead. there was no dream, no nothing. I fell into a bottomless pit; silence, fade to black.
The next morning I woke up and the sun was shining. A little bird came and landed right in front of me and he appeared to be a friend and he sang a sweet melody which was new and fresh. I felt empty inside but somehow it felt good to be empty, I tested my sadness but it had a bitter sweet quality and I enjoyed it. I heard the sounds of people working down in the street and a wonderful song started to play. People seemed alive and working well with each other.
The colors around me were different and they appeared to be more vivid then I ever seen before, like they were alive and dancing. I just sat there and cried as I felt joy in simply breathing the air. A person waked near me and I felt compassion for that person because I knew they were miserable as I was. I sat and meditated, I had no plans I felt joy, for the first time in a long time. I felt joy and I could feel it in every cell in my body. Time passed quickly. Food tasted better, jokes were funnier, and I had plans, and the future looked good and there was hope and I wanted to see my friends and I wanted to travel somewhere and the music sounded good and the weather was nice and I had a lot of ideas and I was inspired and I was naked and nothing mattered if I died or lived. I wanted to paint and to write and to dance and then I sat quietly for a moment. I remember my old struggle, I looked within and quietly I knew I have finally… found myself.
Image credit: flickr.com